Where did everyone go?

Since taking my first deliberate steps of embarking on this spiritual journey, learning about my intuitive gifts and expressing more freely who I am, I can't begin to tell you the losses that began to rack up. This whole phase (is it even a phase?) has been detrimental to my ego and sense of self (don't worry, that's a good thing). It started with losing my financial freedom - something I'd worked so hard to maintain for over a decade. Then, stability went out the door. Thus far, it's been 3 years of bouncing from one place to the next - sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few weeks and, if I'm lucky, a few months. Do you have any idea how stressful it is not knowing where you'll be sleeping at night? I've had to rely on the generosity of others to help see me through at times. I'd always been someone who could take care of myself and make things happen and it's as if, all of a sudden, I couldn't stand on my own two very independent feet anymore.

Quite a lot of friends have since walked out of my life. So much so that I became gun shy even talking about the intuitive part of me. The person I considered my best friend, who I shared with and trusted the most, couldn't handle it and left too. Their reason was that they couldn't fully support what I do which means they couldn't accept me for who I am. I've had people say I'm treading dangerous water because it goes against their religion. God gave me these gifts - so it stands to reason that I'm not going against God - and doesn't God trump religion?

The ego part of me desperately wants to roll in the mire and despair of having lost everything, been abandoned and misunderstood. It's been doing everything it can to prove to me that it's not o.k. to be me - that I can't be loved if I am me - that I will always be rejected even by those I love most. If there's a battle between good and evil, it's going on between my heart and my head. Yet, I'm seeing that it's a necessary battle. How else can I truly know who I am and accept and love myself unconditionally?

Apparently I haven't been listening as life's been hitting me over the head with cosmic 2x4's - I mean one after the other. I feel like I just barely catch my breath and another crisis sets in. If our outer reality is a reflection of what's going on internally - I have a lot of work to do still. I once asked my Guides why my life was falling apart and their answer: "it's falling together." It would be nice if this falling together weren't so painful and happened more easily and with grace - which is now my new mantra.

It's been brought to my attention that perhaps life is trying to show me that this spiritual path isn't for me. I even wondered that myself, but I have to tell you, my heart fills me with the knowing that it is. I just know it's the path I'm meant to be on. It's what my Soul wants. It's my ego, emotions and lack of trust that are making it so much more difficult.

So, as I continue down this path to inner knowing, to inner Truth - I'm shedding what no longer serves me. I release trapped emotions, blockages and programs daily and I can tell you it's all making a difference in how I see and react to things. The observation that everyone is leaving my life and rejecting me is causing me to question - how am I rejecting and abandoning myself? If I want to change what's happening externally, I have to change what's going on internally. Thankfully, I've been provided with the tools and assistance to do so. No more being a victim of life - this girl is getting her self-empowerment back on.

I look forward to this journey of connecting to and BEing from my heart. I look forward to shedding the layers that no longer serve me. I look forward to exploring and developing my gifts more profoundly so that I can truly assist others when it comes time again. Last but not least, I look forward to loving and accepting myself wholly and fully - no matter what anyone else thinks or says or whether they stay in my life or not. This is about me finding my way back to who I truly am.    -  Lots of Love, Adrienne :)